Chaotic Camera

How to make Friends & Influence People
Chapter Summary

Part 1

1. In 1931 “Two Gun” Crowley one of the most dangerous criminals in the history of New York was captured, he was sentenced to death by electric chair, when he arrived at the death house he said “This is what I get for defending myself”. The point behind this story is that Crowley didn’t blame himself for what happened to him instead he blamed others. By pointing finger at someone we are putting this person in a defense position and that person will do his best to justify himself and most probably will condemn you in return. Condemn & Criticism is dangerous because it touches the person’s pride and criticism doesn’t do any good to anybody, and the most important fact here to remember is that criticism doesn’t correct the situation it just makes people justify themselves to us and condemn us in return. Abraham Lincoln used to criticize people by writing letters. In 1842 he ridicule a politician named James Shields, but Shields wasn’t like anyone, he was very sensitive. Shields found out it was Lincoln, there was a duel, they stopped them and Lincoln learned his lesson. After this he started saying, “Don’t criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.” Every time you feel that you want to criticize someone, remember that 99.9% of people don’t criticize themselves for nothing, so try to understand the person first instead of pointing fingers and let people understand you too. Carnegie finish this chapter by these great words “As Dr. Johnson said: God himself sir, does nt propose to judge man until the end of his days. Why should you and I?”

2. Those who master the art of dealing with people, becomes able to get anyone to want to do anything for them. You can punish your kids if they didn’t cleanup their room, threat anyone with weapon to make them want to give you their wallets...etc, this might work on the short term or when you are only around them but these methods have tough consequences; always remember “what goes around always comes around”. The only way to get you to do something for me is by giving you something special, and this lead to another question ,what do we as humans want most? Food, health, money, but most of these wants are gratified and not longing all except one, the desire to be important. John Dewey said “The deepest urge in human nature is the desire to be important.” The deep desire to be important and appreciated by others is what differentiates between humans and animals; take those who enter their pets into competitions for example, their pets don’t really care about the winning, it mean nothing to them, but for their owners winning is everything. It’s different from one person to another; some people get their feeling of importance by helping others, on the other hand some get their feeling out of vice versa, by harming etc. Charles Schwab was one of the first American business men who get paid more than $ 1 mil a year; Schwab was hired by Andrew Carnegie as president of united state steel company. Schwab wasn’t genius nor he knew more about the steel industry more than any other people, The author asked him the a question and his answer: “I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,” said Schwab, the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement…” Appreciation is important but don’t mix between appreciation and flatter, appreciation is sincere comes out of heart, but flatter is used to manipulate each other. Most of the time if we don’t have any definite problems to think about we spend 95% of our times thinking about ourselves but if we can spend some time to think about other people’s good point we will not need flatter anymore. Appreciation is something we neglect in our daily life so we have to try figuring out other people’s good points and give them sincere appreciation and they will remember your words and repeat it over and over even after you have forgotten them.

3. In order to get the fish I have to give it what IT want not what I want. If common sense works with fish why don’t we try it with people? Remember, to be able to influence other people and leave impact on them, you get to talk about what THEY want NOT what YOU want and show them how to get it. Harry A. Overstreet in his book Influencing Human Behavior said: “Action springs out of what we fundamentally desire...and the best piece of advice which can be given to would-be persuaders, whether in business, in the home, in the school, in politics is: First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.” Henry ford mentioned the art of dealing with people: “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own. “Focusing only on your interest is purely selfish and it’s not going to get you something back, remember we don’t live alone in this world and to succeed in your life you get to be able to deal with others. Owen D.Young said: “People who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, never need worry about what the future has in store for them.” “Thinking always in term of other people’s point of view”, is the only lesson you get out of this book, it will be a major building block in your career. Always remember to find and understand the other person is eager want and show them how you can help them to get it, by doing this you will have the whole world with you.

Part 2

1. The animal with the sole purpose of giving you love is a dog. You can make more friends in 2 months by becoming interested in other people than you can in 2 years by trying to get other people interested in you. People are not interested in you they are interested in themselves if we merely try to impress people and get people interested in us we will never have many true since your friends Alfred Alder wrote a book entitled what life should mean to you in the book he says it is the individual who is not interested in his fellow man who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others it is from among sense individuals that all human failures spring and it's horrible Eating magazine could tell if the author like people or not. Howard Thurston he had the ability to put his personality across the Footlights he also had a genuine interest in people he never stepped in front of the Footlights without repeating himself I love my audience a show of Interest as with every other principle of human relations must be sincere if you want others to like you if you want to develop real friendships if you want to help others at the state and time as you can help yourself keep this principle in mind become genuinely interested in other people.

2. Charles Schwab charm and captivating smile. Just from a baby smile the boredom in the reception-room became an enjoyable experience there's far more information than they smile than they frown that's why in encouragement is a much more effective teaching divides than punishment Robert Cryer manager of computer department for a Cincinnati Ohio company talked about how he was recruiting a PhD in computer science and how the young man shows his company over larger and better ones just because he sounded as if he was glad to hear from the young man all in all there are more examples but the main point to get across is to smile and let your voice project through that smile

3. Jim Farley was raised by a single mother around the turn of the 19th century, starting work as a bricklayer when he was 10 years old and never getting much education. He ended up as the Postmaster General of the United States, the chairman of the Democratic National Committee, and the man responsible for putting F.D.R. into the White House. Farley’s secret was that he could call 50,000 people by their first name. Each time he met someone, he would ask about the person’s name, family size, profession, and political leanings, and created a mental picture of these things. Use and remember a person’s name, and you have instant likeability. Names set individuals apart, it makes them feel unique among all others. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

4. To put it simply, quickly find what interests the other person, encourage them to talk about themselves, and shut up. People are usually far more interested in what they are already interested in than they are in listening to you. Most people approach a conversation by trying to find a commonality, but if you focus instead on the other person’s greatest interest and simply pay active and close attention while they discuss it, they will find you to be a great conversationalist. You don’t need to even say much at all. It is remarkably easy to defuse an angry conversation; again, just shut up. All you have to do is listen to the other person until they have told their whole story and are satisfied that they have expressed themselves. By that time, you should be able to address the problem from their viewpoint, which often results in a change of subject and a quick resolution to the actual problem at hand. If you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener.

5. When Teddy Roosevelt had it on his schedule to meet someone the next day, he would stay up late to read on a subject in which the person was interested. Spend your energy to find the other person’s passion, not to prepare your own elevator speech, and begin the conversation with that subject instead of charging headlong into what you need out of the meeting. Those from Western cultures especially make this mistake, fooling themselves into thinking they are results-oriented, or efficient, or some other nonsense. You will be much more effective with this approach. Talking in terms of the other person’s interests pays off for both parties. Each time Howard Z. Herzing talked to someone, it was an enlargement of his life.

6. Whenever you meet someone, however briefly in passing, ask yourself, “What is there about him that I can honestly admire?” Everyone wants approval, recognition, and a feeling of importance, and it doesn’t take much for you to deliver all of those things. If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can’t radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying, then we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve. Let the other person feel noticed and important. Practice doing this with everyone you meet – clerks at the post office as well as your business associates, classmates, etc. Make it a habit, and together with the other practices listed above, it will greatly improve your results and relationships.

Part 3.

1. : You Can’t Win an Argument.

Even if you shoot down your opponent with your incredible wit and knowledge, he will still leave the conversation feeling resentment – so you lose either way. It’s simply not worth the time to argue. Abraham Lincoln said, “No man who is resolved to make the most of himself can spare the time for personal contention. “The author again sees things through the lens of making people feel important – if you argue with someone, they may be getting their feeling of importance by exercising their authority to block you. If you acknowledge their importance instead, their ego has room to breathe, and you may then find they become sympathetic to your cause.

2. A Sure Way of Making Enemies – and How to Avoid It.

In a similar vein, you should never waste your time trying to prove someone wrong. First of all, have some humility – we are all influenced by our own cognitive biases, and even the most fervent student of psychology falls prey to the shortcomings of the human mind on a daily basis. Mr. Carnegie suggests this script when you believe another person is in error: “Well, now, look! I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts. “The author also recommends The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin, Franklin is known by history for his incredibly adroit dealings with other people, and his biography is filled with gems like this, “I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradiction to the sentiments of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use of every word… that imported a fix’d opinion, such as “certainly,” “undoubtedly,” etc… I began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present case there appeared… some difference… And to this habit… I think it principally owing that I had early so much weight with my fellow citizens when I proposed new institutions…”

3. If you’re Wrong, Admit It.

And do it “quickly, openly, and with enthusiasm.” Yet again, the author ties in the concept of people’s need for importance. When you condemn yourself, the only option for the other party to nourish their own self-esteem is to defend you. Even when the other party’s interests are clearly contrary to your own, it is a powerful weapon to admit your faults. A newspaper reader once wrote in to criticize one of Elbert Hubbard’s articles. Here is the brilliant response: “Come to think it over, I don’t think I completely agree with it myself. Not everything I wrote yesterday appeals to me today. I am glad to learn what you think on the subject. The next time you are in the neighborhood you must visit us and we’ll get this subject threshed out for all time. So here is a handclasp over the miles, and I am, yours sincerely…”

4. The High Road to a Man’s Reason.

If we respond to anger with anger, we are never going to convince the other party or engage his reason. If we instead respond to anger with friendliness, sympathy, and appreciation, we can turn an angry situation into a productive one. Woodrow Wilson put it this way: “If you come at me with your fists doubled, I think I can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours; but if you come to me and say, ‘Let us sit down and take counsel together, and, if we differ from one another, understand why it is that we differ from one another, just what the points at issue are,’ we will presently find that we are not so far apart after all, that the points on which we differ are few and the points on which we agree are many, and that if we only have the patience and the candor and the desire to get together, we will get together.”

5. The Secret of Socrates.

Never begin a conversation by immediately addressing the ways in which your opinion differs from the other person. Instead, try by seeing the things you both agree. Keep reminding all parties involved that while we have different methods we all strive for the same purpose. A skilled influencer of people will be able to identify that common purpose. The result is that the other party begins to give his point, in whatever small ways it might be. A person’s “pride of personality” demands that he remain consistent with himself, so whether you begin with him saying “yes” or “no,” the same response will carry on, naturally directed from the outset. A “yes” or “no” is more than a word; it is a response, and if you want to change the answer, you are going to have to change the whole response. This can be an impossible task, so it is best to get things on track before you begin. Get the other person saying, “Yes,” immediately.

6. The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints.

Let people talk. When someone has a complaint, let him talk himself out. When you go for an interview, don’t talk about yourself; ask the interviewer about his early years, and get him talking about himself. La Rochefoucauld said, “If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.” It doesn’t win you any friends to talk of your accomplishments. Let the other person do most of the talking.

7. How to Get Cooperation.

There should never be any need for you to claim credit for an idea; let the other party claim the idea as their own, and you will have a much easier time of getting their cooperation. When you need something, don’t talk about what you need. Present the other person with the info, and ask them to tell you. As Lao Tsze said, “The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.”

8. A Formula That Will Work Wonders for You.

There is always a reason that a person thinks and acts the way he does. Leave behind the mindset of judging a person’s rightness or wrongness, and instead seek out that reason. You will then have the key to their actions and even their personality. The author asks that if you take away nothing else from this book, you begin to make a practice of honestly trying to see other people’s points of view – not opinions, but why those opinions are held.

9. What Everybody Wants.

Mr. Carnegie then gives us a magic phrase: “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you, I should undoubtedly feel just as you do.” Feel free to update the phrase for the 21st century, but the point is to acknowledge that you truly would have the same perspective as the other person if you had their temperament, environment, and experiences. While we might argue the role of environmental forces vs. personal choice, it is nevertheless important to notice the other person’s emotions and opinions by declaring them reasonable given their circumstances.

10. An Appeal That Everybody Likes.

J.P. Morgan once asserted that people usually have two reasons for anything they do: one that sounds good, and the real one. Appeal to people’s nobler motives by providing them with that good reason. Speak and act in a way that sounds the best for them.

11. The Movies Do It. The Radio Does It. Why Don’t You Do It?

Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made “vivid, interesting, dramatic.” Demonstration is far more striking and memorable than words, so show people your ideas rather than telling them.

12. When Nothing Else Works, Try This.

Charles Schwab once had a mill manager whose workers weren’t meeting their production quotas. The mill manager had tried everything, with no success. Schwab simply asked how many heats the mill’s day shift had made, and wrote the number in chalk on the mill floor. When the night shift came into work they asked what the number meant, then proceeded to make one more than the day shift had managed and write that number on the floor. Not wanting to be shown up, the day shift came back with even more, and so on until that mill was the most productive in the entire plant. The principle here is not to set people against each other; it is to issue a challenge to excel. The love of the game and the chance to prove self-worth is one of the most powerful motivators – so introduce some competition when you need to inspire others.

Part 4

1. Before finding fault with a person, begin with a sincere compliment to soften the sting of the criticism. Point out what the person has done well or correctly before discussing what needs improvement or is unacceptable. Offer genuine praise to show you have confidence in the other person—it can boost self-confidence and help the person do a better job. Principle: "Begin with praise and honest appreciation."

2. Although people may begin with praise before they criticize someone, they soon follow with a “but” statement. The word “but” immediately sounds negative. The person then gets defensive. Use “and” statements instead, rephrasing the criticism from sounding negative, to a positive statement. The criticism is still there but feelings were spared and the person will try to comply more likely. Indirect, criticism can be effective with “sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism.” If you are critical of someone and want that person to change, state your case in an indirect way, and leave the choice up to the person. They may be more inclined to do as you wish than if you tried to apply more direct pressure. Lead by example—show you are willing to do the same thing you are asking someone else to do. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

3. Remember your roots and your short upcoming mistakes, before criticizing someone else. Make acceptations for the person’s age and experience level. You can’t expect beginners to automatically become experts. When you must criticize someone, admitting your own mistakes humbly can help the person feel more comfortable and less judged. It shows you are human, too, and make mistakes like anyone else. Offer honest praise as well: "Humility and praise ... rightfully used ... will work veritable miracles in human relations." Talk about you own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

4. Rather than telling people what to do, let them figure it out their own way. Doing this provides "a feeling of importance" and helps people learn from their own errors. It also keeps their pride intact, as nobody likes to be bossed around. Use phrases such as "You might consider this" and "Do you think that would work?" to offer your opinion less directly. Giving orders causes resentment. "Asking questions ... makes an order more palatable" and can spark the person's creativity. When asked for their opinion and their cooperation on a task, people are more likely to participate willingly. Ask questions instead of giving direct order.

5. Rather than trample "the feelings of others, getting our own way," think about how the other person feels and check if your words might hurt the person's pride. Instead "a few minutes thought, a considerate word or two, a genuine understanding of the other person's attitude" can make the situation easier for both. Use "tact and consideration" during difficult conversations such as those when "discharging or reprimanding an employee." By being tactful you can spare another's feelings and help ensure good will for the future.

Don't put people on the spot, especially in front of others. There is no good reason to hurt a person's dignity. When someone makes a mistake, remember and praise the good work they've done. Be understanding and show you have faith in the person to do the job well. Let the other person save face.

6. Praising improvement "inspires the other person to keep on improving. People are often quick to criticize yet stubborn to praise. Praise can change the course of a person's life. Psychologist B.F. Skinner showed, by offering praise and minimizing criticism that "the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy." For example, yelling at children will often cause worse behavior rather than improvement, whereas reinforcing good behavior will encourage more of the same. In giving praise, cite a "specific accomplishment, rather than just making general flattering remarks." The praise will be more meaningful this way and won't come across simply as flattery. You can "literally transform" people with praise. Showing your acknowledgment of someone's good qualities can spark the person to change: "Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement." Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.

7. It is easier to lead people and change their attitude or behavior when you earn their respect and show you respect them and their abilities. If you want someone to show more of a certain trait, "act as though that particular trait were already" shown. Doing this gives people a reputation to live up to. Reinforce good behavior and accomplishments with regular praise. Showing you believe in people can help them believe in themselves. Even the smallest word of encouragement can change a person's life. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

8. If you emphasize a person's mistakes, even if you are being truthful and accurate, the person may become discouraged and give up. On the other hand, if you praise the things a person does correctly, while downplaying any errors, the person will be encouraged to keep going. Encouragement offers hope and makes the person "want to improve." You may suggest they have a natural talent or "undeveloped flair" for the work. Your faith in their ability is another strong incentive for people to try new things or correct their faults. To motivate people, help them see the personal benefits they will gain by improving a skill or correcting a fault. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

9. Make people feel important when asking them to do something for you. Be tactful in your words and actions, even with your opponents; they could make life difficult for you if you insult them. Use incentives to motivate people to do as you wish. By striking bargains that benefit you and the other person, both people gain something. If you must turn down a request for your time or help, consider suggesting another person who might willingly meet the request. Consider giving a person an official-sounding title and increased responsibility for overseeing a task to motivate the person to give their best effort. People like to feel they have some authority in their work. When trying to change someone's "attitudes or behaviors," be sincere and clear. Think about what the other person wants and play into that. Despite these suggestions, people won't always react well to your requests. Even so, you'll get better results and be a better leader by following these guidelines than not. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.